Friday, 20 July 2012

The concept of 'death'

Yep, I’m going to touch a sensitive subject for some people here and for some friend of mine this blogpost will be a hard one to read. For my friends, here’s a warning: If the death of Rob still hurts you too much, you might not want to read this blogpost.

This morning I’ve received a phone call from a good friend of mine who said that his grandma has passed away. My heart goes out to him at the moment.

I don’t want to talk about him specifically, as I want him to mourn in peace. I do want to talk about what these kind of things do to me. The concept of death has always been a hard concept to deal with for me. Whenever someone tells me that someone they knew, be it a relative or a friend or an acquaintance, I always lock up. Of course I’ll give my condolences, but when it’s a friend telling me this they usually expect a bit more comfort than that. They usually start telling me a bit more about this deceased person.

I do understand this and I’m more than willing to help, so I usually just listen to what they have to say. But then I have to say something back, and… I lock up. I have absolutely no idea what to say at this point. They are probably expecting me to utter some words of comfort, but I can honestly say that I have none.

You’re probably wondering, by now, where this locking up comes from. Well, it’s not that I’m emotionless. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. You see, whenever I need to understand how a person is feeling, I usually go by the sentence: ‘Well how would you feel?’ In other words, I try and imagine myself in the same situation and wonder how I would feel. This obviously works best when I have been in the same or a similar situation and I felt similar to what that person is feeling. Only, when I haven’t been in the same or a similar situation or I didn’t feel similar to what that person is feeling, than this becomes a lot harder. It’s not impossible, but very hard to try and understand that person then.

Now, how does this work towards a person’s death? I have actually lost two people who were close to me in my life. The first was one of my two grandmothers, but I was too young to still remember a lot about this. I do remember that I have been sad for about three months, but I can’t really tap into those emotions anymore. The second was a friend of mine who committed suicide, which was actually about 4 years ago. This was actually a very weird time for me.

Suddenly not being able to talk to this person and not seeing him walk into a convention was a very weird change for me. I did cry a lot, but I was also in a sort of panicky state. I didn’t know what to do with these emotions besides crying a lot. I had no words to speak, since things were as they were. All there was, was sadness and the weird sense of expecting him to pop up at any time. At some point I actually felt SO sad, something weird happened. I didn’t know what to do with these emotions, so I… simply didn’t. I didn’t do anything with these emotions. I couldn’t get myself to go to his funeral, since even the thought of him death was something I couldn’t process yet. A death is a change that I simply can’t handle. To me it’s the saddest thing ever and that’s all it is. One big lump of sadness. And I just have no other words for it.

So this is also all I can think of when someone tells me someone died. I just imagine this big lump of sadness and, just like for when it happens to me, I can’t think of anything than giving my condolences and be sad for them. I have no words of comfort. “Things are as they are. It’s just sad really and that’s what it is.” These are the words I uttered to this friend of mine as a way of showing that I do understand him somewhat. I don’t think these are the most comforting words, but it is the way I see it. I have no idea what else to say.

So yes, I AM saddened by someone dying. In fact, I’m SO sad, that that’s all there is. A lump of sadness. But I don’t know the words to go with the feeling. So if you ever tell me that someone close to you died and I tell you something like that, than that’s me trying to understand and comfort you. I’m sorry if it’s not the words you were looking for.


  1. Ik denk dat het er niet om gaat 'wat' je zegt. Als je de rouwende persoon wat aandacht geeft, geeft het erkenning dat hij/zij verdriet mag hebben. Daar gaat het meer om. Heel veel mensen vinden het moeilijk om de juiste dingen te zeggen. Je kunt bijvoorbeeld vragen wat voor iemand de overledene was.

  2. ik vind het al lief van je dat je naar me had geluisterd en meer hoeft voor mij ook niet maar margareth heeft wel een goeie tip. in ieder geval bedankt voor je steun je bent echt een schat

    1. Thnx. :) Ik ben er als je me nodig hebt he, dat weet je. *hugs*