My head is running at full speed and because it’s going that fast, I can’t concentrate on anything… If that makes sense.
Today started out fine, as I had another driving lesson which went better than expected. Before the driving lesson I felt terrible from being ill, but the driving lesson gave me something straight forward to focus on and, besides from some weird sounding coughing, I felt fine. My head seemed clear.
But after the driving lesson I started getting very uneasy. And it’s not just today, it’s been all week. There is just so much for which I have no idea what is going to happen. Too much uncertainties.
Tomorrow (okay, today if you watch the clock a bit too closely) I’ll be visiting my doctor to ask for a note so I can sign up at the Fatigue Centre. So I still need to get an intake there. I’m only just now finding out what I want from my guidance for my Asperger’s, so I haven’t contacted anyone for that yet. So I have no idea what to expect in these departments. I also don’t know what to expect in terms of a job in the future. And so on…
In short, I miss routine in my life and I have no idea what to expect. I live day by day… And that’s a scary way of living for me. Of course, I don’t want every bit of my life planned by the minute. That’s boring. But I need to know where I’m headed. Something that I keep returning to and that has me going in a certain direction. But right now I’m a sailboat without a rudder. I have no means of steering and am left to the currents to bring me somewhere. Maybe I’ll end up on a beautiful beach, but I can also smash against some cliffs.
As I’ve said before, the way I automatically deal with problems is simply to solve them. I can’t let go of a problem, until I’ve solved it. Now look at what my problem is. I can’t solve it. Well, not any time soon anyways. So my head keeps spinning round and round, trying to figure all this out, but there’s no answer, so it just keeps on going. This has me turning in my bed, robbing me of my sleep.
It’s seriously hard to explain to someone who never felt this themselves just how nerve wrecking this not-knowing is. Not having a direction. Not having an answer. Simply having to wait seems so easy in writing, but in real life it works completely different. Everything inside of me screams for a rudder. For something to steer my life in some sort of direction with. I need to know what direction I’m heading in.
But I can’t know. So in the meanwhile my heads just rushes on. Oh yea and I’m still feeling unwell, so that’s not helping either. Tossing… Turning… Tossing… Turning… I want to sleep… Tossing… Turning… Thinking… A lot of thinking…