Friday, 13 July 2012

At full speed

My head is running at full speed and because it’s going that fast, I can’t concentrate on anything… If that makes sense.

Today started out fine, as I had another driving lesson which went better than expected. Before the driving lesson I felt terrible from being ill, but the driving lesson gave me something straight forward to focus on and, besides from some weird sounding coughing, I felt fine. My head seemed clear.

But after the driving lesson I started getting very uneasy. And it’s not just today, it’s been all week. There is just so much for which I have no idea what is going to happen. Too much uncertainties.

Tomorrow (okay, today if you watch the clock a bit too closely) I’ll be visiting my doctor to ask for a note so I can sign up at the Fatigue Centre. So I still need to get an intake there. I’m only just now finding out what I want from my guidance for my Asperger’s, so I haven’t contacted anyone for that yet. So I have no idea what to expect in these departments. I also don’t know what to expect in terms of a job in the future. And so on…

In short, I miss routine in my life and I have no idea what to expect. I live day by day… And that’s a scary way of living for me. Of course, I don’t want every bit of my life planned by the minute. That’s boring. But I need to know where I’m headed. Something that I keep returning to and that has me going in a certain direction. But right now I’m a sailboat without a rudder. I have no means of steering and am left to the currents to bring me somewhere. Maybe I’ll end up on a beautiful beach, but I can also smash against some cliffs.

As I’ve said before, the way I automatically deal with problems is simply to solve them. I can’t let go of a problem, until I’ve solved it. Now look at what my problem is. I can’t solve it. Well, not any time soon anyways. So my head keeps spinning round and round, trying to figure all this out, but there’s no answer, so it just keeps on going. This has me turning in my bed, robbing me of my sleep.

It’s seriously hard to explain to someone who never felt this themselves just how nerve wrecking this not-knowing is. Not having a direction. Not having an answer. Simply having to wait seems so easy in writing, but in real life it works completely different. Everything inside of me screams for a rudder. For something to steer my life in some sort of direction with. I need to know what direction I’m heading in.

But I can’t know. So in the meanwhile my heads just rushes on. Oh yea and I’m still feeling unwell, so that’s not helping either. Tossing… Turning… Tossing… Turning… I want to sleep… Tossing… Turning… Thinking… A lot of thinking…


  1. Ah, that sounds familiar. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

    About the job thing: what would work best for you: working with other people (customers, team members) or working alone ?

    If you are not ready for a new job yet, how about volunteer work to experience the "fun"in working again, and get some more self-confidence about it ?

    1. Your comment really speaks of good insight in people, I like that! :)

      I like working alone, but in contact with others... I mean, in the way I do at conventions. I answer to a staffmember and have contact with visitors, but I get assigned a project/room/event and can fill it in the way I see fit. I like this way of thinking. I'm not lonely, but I don't have to be working with colleagues all the time, which gives me some peace of mind.

      I was thinking about that... At the moment I help at the weekly autism meeting and I'm helping to set up a gaming event to raise money for autism. This does boost my confidence a lot, especially because it's stuff I'm good at, and I'm looking into doing more in this area...
      Volunteering like this gives me stuff to do in which it's not a complete disaster if I'm suddenly not feeling well. So I can really show off my good qualities.
      But because I need something which doesn't require me to be around all the time, it's hard to establish a good routine... Which I also need. Ah, the never-ending circle...

  2. Voor mij zeer herkenbaar wat jij schrijft.
    Ik kan er ook niet tegen geen routine/ structuur te hebben.

    Misschien een idee om te kijken of je toch iets vasts kan doen overdag?
    Zoals idd vrijwilligerswerk/ dagbesteding oid.
    Ikzelf doe vrijwilligerswerk op een kinderboerderij (ik weet totaal niet jou ding) op vaste ochtenden in de week.
    Misschien dat jij iets vergelijkbaars kan vinden, maar dan natuurlijk wel iets dat jou interesseert.
    Belangrijk is dat je gewoon vaste dagdelen heb dat je iets doet.
    Zodat je wat meer regelmaat in je leven hebt. En ook een doel om voor te gaan.

    Dingen organiseren etc. Ik weet dat jij dat supermooi vindt.
    Maar kan je daar ook routine uithalen? Ik heb geen idee...