Thursday, 28 June 2012
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Monday, 25 June 2012
The city went okay. The weather was very hot and humid... So it quickly took my energy. This was good in a way, since it distracted me from everything else. But I also didn't want to spend much time in the city, as my energy was quickly draining.
Also, there were road workers busy working on the road (as road workers tend to do). They produced a lot of noise, making the city an even less desireable place to be. My sister disliked the weather and the road workers too, so we quickly purchased our stuff and got out of the city.
All this made me quite cranky, but at the same time distracted me from every memory association around me, which is good. So while I disliked these things, in some way they helped. Tomorrow I'll have to stop by at my previous job to hand in my stuff. After that I'll be done there.
At the moment I'm in bed, but I can't sleep. My sister asked me to come to the city centre with me and I happily agreed. It wasn't until this night that I started having troubles with it.
Why? Because of memory association. I have strong connections to certain things, places, scents, music, etc. A big event (to me) can create such a bond. Now, most people have associations like this, but for me, they're really strong. I heard more autistic people have this.
It's not just remembering certain memories. It's reliving them with the feelings and all. It doesn't always affect me as heavily, but sometimes it just comes crashing down on me. There are even certain songs I can't listen to without crying and I've thrown away certain pictures, because they were breaking me up.
At the same time there are things, like my events badges for example, that have me smiling by just looking at them.
These associations to memories can be both good and bad. I try to surround myself with things that are associated with good memories. But what if whole places became attached to bad memories?
That's what happened. Simply thinking about the city centre already has me crying now. Even the route there is too much to bare. Going there by bus will have a lot of bad memories by itself. The first bus stop shows the health centre I've been to from birth. Since my Chronic Fatigue it has transformed into a constant reminder of my struggles, since I've been there frequently since then.
At the second stop I can see the building where I had my administration job. Where I got fired because of the many days I was absent because of my Chronic Fatigue.
Also, the bus rides under the train station, which holds many memories to long lost friends and boyfriends.
At the third stop we're at the old part of the city centre. Here lay a lot of memories, too much to write down. Friends, boyfriends, bullies... both still here and lost... in many different ways...
The fourth stop leads to the last stop still in the city centre. Still the old part, but close to the new part. This is where I needed to be for my last job, which obviously still hurts me a lot. Also, this is where I'll need to be to get to the right shop when I go into the city centre with my sister. We won't be going to the same street as my old job, but I'll be able to see it and we'll be taking the same bus route.
Also, no the bycicle or by foot won't help. This route will either give the same places, or even add my old school and/or the hospital to the list. No thanks.
But I can't keep running either. Not only will I need to be in the city centre at some point anyway, I still have clothes and the key from my previous job to hand in this Tuesday. So I'll have to face all these memories.
I've always had this problem, but losing my job has added the new part of the city centre to the list, making the picture too big to grasp. I hope I'll be able to conquer this and make the city centre accessable for me again.
Saturday, 23 June 2012
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
Monday, 18 June 2012
They did agree that when I was there and feeling good, that I did a good job. So I haven't been fired due to doing a poor job or anything. Being absent a lot and being slow does not only not work for them, but they also feel having a job takes too much out of me at this point. I got a lot of guidance at this job and I had similar problems at my previous jobs, so this isn't just about not being able to be a baker. It's about not being fit for a working environment.
So the plan is now that we're going to report this to the UWV (that's where I get my social security, or in Dutch; uitkering, from) and see what they have to say. My jobcoach is going to advise them to put the percentage of that they think I'm fit to work down a lot. In other words, we're going to see if we can get my hours down significantly. She's going to advise at the UWV that I can better use these hours to get the right help to work on my health. One thing we've already thought about is that we want to go to the Fatigue Centre (freely translated from: Vermoeidheidscentrum). Sorry if my English is being unusually bad at the moment. It's not every day that you need to explain things for social security in another language...
At the moment I'm just really sad. There is also a little bit of relief in the sense that I now know what I can expect, but that relief isn't making me happy, just a bit calmer. I've allowed myself to be sad over this for a while, so sorry if my blog is very sad during these days. Let's hope that my journey towards improvement will bring some more good news into this blog and also into my life. My blog was meant to bring understanding and hope. Not just show me failing at work... So I'll try hard to get my health up. For now, I'm just going to be sad for a while, so I can process this.
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Saturday, 16 June 2012
He also perfectly described why I had such trouble putting my feelings down into words, as he went through the same here too. I'll quote him, since I just can't put it in any better words myself:
"My mission is to keep positive but life isn't 100% sunny. Even when the weatherman says there's 100% sun and 0% chance rain it can still rain (I know, it happened to us at a race two weeks ago.) Because it isn't always sunny one needs to know what to look for when it rains and I feared that some might get overly sad reading that I was so sad. I mean, I do feel a certain pressure to stay "perfect" so to speak and to always be on my game, but I'm human and on the spectrum. Emotions happen but sometimes they can confuse us and it is in these times that understanding is of the utmost importance."
Having said this, I'll finally start the next part of my blogpost.
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Monday, 11 June 2012
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. England was amazing and took all my attention and after England everything just came crashing down on me.
Did travelling take such a toll? Nah. Actually, I can't wait to go again! The travel back home did bring some anxiety, but that just got me a bit off my game and nervous.
So then why did everything crash down on me? That's what I asked myself at first too. I was restless and depressed and didn't understand why. I couldn't voice this to others either, since I couldn't say more than "I'm restless and depressed for some reason, even though I had an amazing time".
At first I thought it was me missing England, but it didn't feel like the right answer. Last Sunday I went to a concert of a pop choir my mum sings in. After the song "Sweet Goodbyes", which always leaves me crying (I'm terribly sensitive to music), I started to figure out what was wrong.
Remember that I said I felt like the time I transferred from primary school to secondary school? I still feel that way and now I know why. I've had to cope with not knowing if I would be able to finish school and not knowing if I would be able to hold a job since 8th grade (2nd class of secondary school). This has finally caught up with me. I can't stand not knowing. Especially not knowing what to do in case things turn out wrong.
The whole night I've been worrying, hyperventilating and crying over this. This morning I couldn't take it anymore and called for my jobcoach to come over. She did and she had a good talk with me. Of course she can't promise me anything either, but she could explain to me what would happen in case I wouldn't make it. Don't worry, I'll fight for this job, but just in case. I just need to know that I've got a safety net, so I won't fall to the ground if I happen to fall.
She told me the 'what-if-plan'. This got me a lot calmer. I now know that there is a plan. (I don't feel like discussing this plan here yet) Just knowing this calmed me down a lot.
If anyone's wondering: yes I did have an amazing time in England and yes I'll tell you all about it somewhere this week.
Sunday, 3 June 2012
I hated primary school. I was bullied very severely there and I couldn't wait to get out of there. In fact, I hated it so much, I was counting down the days until I was away from there. Quite literally too. I had a small paper on which I kept track of the days left. Still, when the last day of primary school ended, I suddenly started crying. Everyone thought I ended up missing the school, even after saying I wanted to get out of there, but I didn't. I couldn't explain why I was crying. I was happy leaving there! Then why was I sad? Remember, I wasn't diagnosed back in those days. This was a very confusing time for me.
I'm having a similar experience now. I really want to go to England and I can't wait. Still, I'm sad. I'm here, crying, and I haven't got a clue what about. I'm not worrying about things. In fact, my mind is quite blank. I was simply surfing the internet as I said I would. Then suddenly I just started crying. It feels like it isn't even my own emotion, like it just shouldn't be there. I'm happy going to England and I'm not worrying, I'm enjoying some internet time! Then why am I crying? I really can't answer that with anything more than 'change'. It's only a big change with big impacts which can get me to this unexplainable crying.
Don't worry. I'm fine. I want to go to England. I want to step in that plane. I want to do this! My crying isn't some feeling of actually being too scared and not wanting to go or anything. Of course I'm very anxious, I already told you this, but that's not it. I was anxious of the Efteling too and that didn't cause as much trouble as this does. I have no logical explanation for this. This is Autism at its highest in my opinion. I can't explain this in any other way than 'there is change and I have trouble with change, even if it's good change'.
My sister on the other hand is using the other method: she goes to bed earlier and makes sure she'll have a good night sleep. Healthwise that would be the better option for me too, but I’ve tried this before and I couldn’t pull it off. So better be safe than sorry. I’ll have a nap when we’re at the hotel in England.
At the hotel in England… This Monday… I can’t even begin to realise it. When I let it sink in too much, I just get overwhelmed and start to mildly hyperventilate, even now just writing this it seems to happen, so I have to try and keep distance from over thinking it.
Just thinking about everything that needs to be done is too much… Okay I’m leaving this subject before I have to alarm some people because of hyperventilation. (don’t worry, I’m fine, I just think I won’t be if I keep typing about how much it is)
So… Yes… England… I can hardly be very excited too. It’s not that I’m not looking forward to it. I am very much so! But I always have this. I’m not very excited until the day is there. Sometimes even until I’m at the place itself. I usually have it with anime/manga conventions too. I am looking forward to those things, but I don’t get very excited until we drive up to the parking spot of the convention and I see the other visitors standing in line already. I think it’s some kind of protection I created for myself. You see, I’m very bad with disappointment. So if I just don’t get excited about something right up to the last point, I can’t get disappointed, or at least not as easily. That’s fine though, I do enjoy and get excited over the activity itself and I think that’s the most important thing, so that is fine.
I wish I had more to say about England, but I don’t. Well… I do. But I can’t say more without overwhelming myself with a lot of ‘what if…?’ thoughts and my health is first place here, so sorry, no can do. Let’s just say there are too many unpredictable things and it’s the first time I’ll be flying without my parents, so… yea… anxiety is there. It’s okay though, this is why we’re doing this (besides just wanting to go to England). I want to get used to travelling on my own and I can do that best with someone explaining me now.
So I’m wrapping this up now. Tomorrow… *looks at the time* I mean today, I’ll be packing my bags… Let’s not think about that either. So, let’s surf some more on the internet.
Friday, 1 June 2012
If I have to write about today, I wouldn't know what to write about in the sense that there is too much to write about. Still following me?
Should I write about the many noises today? At work it was crowded, it was noisy, children were screaming, blenders were running, colleagues were shouting at each other... and that's just work. Those things are normal, but it was worse today.
Should I write about the many negative people around me, making me very negative too?
Should I write about the evaluation interview? Well actually yes, for a bit. It went better than expected. They do have high hopes for me, but not unrealistically high. So that's a positive! (During the whole interview 2 children were screaming...)
Should I write about how much we had to do at work? Even lunch time was hard to get!
Should I write about that I couldn't sleep after work, because I had too much to do at home?
Should I write that it's my sister's birthday tomorrow? Hah, sneaked that one in. Congratulate her! :)
Should I write about that I ended up being so tired, that I had to leave in the middle of the weekly autism meeting?
Should I write about the nervousness about going to England on Monday?
In other words: there was a lot going on and I could write a blogpost on each and every part if it. I'm not going to though. I'm too tired.
I'm now in bed, writing this on my smartphone. I'll soon be sound asleep. Good night everyone.