Thursday, 31 May 2012
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
At the moment I'm in bed and I'm having a sad moment. These moments happen sometimes. I tend to worry about things in bed. Sometimes it gets so bad, there's such a hurricane in my head, that I just end up crying a lot in my bed. This is also terrible for my sleep and that's where my Chronic Fatigue comes to say 'hi'. Gosh, I hope work will be alright tomorrow... That's why I'm writing this off my mind.
So, what's it that I'm worrying about this time? It's something I worry about more often. I sometimes feel like a burden with all the special needs that I have. With that I don't mean that people would just be better off without me. I'm not that dark in my mindset. I used to be, but not anymore. No, I do believe I can be a nice, decent and fun person to be around.
Still... when I see someone struggling with my special needs, it breaks my heart. (mind you're going too fast, I'm trying to write in a neat order here, shush) Like when people carry something heavy for me, or we need to leave a place because the music is too loud, or stuff like that. Even at work I have to tell my colleagues to tune the radio down sometimes. And there are many more things, both big and small. Like when I'm really angry, there's a special way you'll need to deal with me, or I might explode. Yea, I'm not proud of that... That might just become a blogpost on itself one day, once I feel more comfortable writing about that.
People have stated that I can be very exhausting to live with and I can understand that. They don't mean they dislike being with me, but the special needs can take their toll. Sometimes I'm with people who don't tend to those needs and then suddenly I realise how much is done for me. One day my mother even cried from pure exhaustion during a very difficult time for me (and evidently also for her).
It's these times that I feel like a burden to people. I dislike this feeling up to the point of self-hatred during this time of worrying. I know people don't mind taking care of me. Having a few needs is okay. I even tell my friends who have special needs too this and I mean it. It's just that I feel that, especially combined with my Chronic Fatigue, that I can sometimes really take a toll on someone.
I'm sorry for these times. I wish I could take my Chronic Fatigue away. I wish I didn't need so much support. I'm truly sorry.
Monday, 28 May 2012
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Sorry that I haven't posted any blogposts the past few days. Since last Monday morning I haven't been feeling well.
I've called in sick from work. Tuesday I felt slightly better, so I thought I could work again the next day. Well I've honestly tried, but after 45 minutes I felt so dizzy, that I was honestly scared I was going to faint or something like that.
After a lot of convincing and trying to recover by resting, eating and drinking sugar water, I only felt worse. I decided to take matters into my own hands and went home.
My sister picked me up from work. At home my sister put a fan on me and gave me a refreshing drink.
I felt absolutely terrible from being dizzy all the time. My Chronic Fatigue and the heat made matters even worse. I didn't even dare to walk up the stairs. My sister asked what I was feeling and I told her I felt like I just turned around on the spot a lot and the dizzyness from it just wouldn't go away.
At the moment, after a whole day of resting I do feel better, but I haven't fully recovered yet. This is why I haven't been blogging and even now I'm writing this in bed, on my cell phone.
I am adding pictures to this blogpost, but have no idea how to arrange them, using the blogger app. If anyone does, please tell me. The picture of the blue cloth is how I'm laying in bed right now.
The piece of bread is the type of bread that I managed to cut myself on. (see the blogpost Pain )
If I've made any stupid mistakes in this blogpost, please blame my dizzy head. You're free to politely point them out though.
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Just a few seconds ago I was waiting in a line for an hour to get to a show at the convention.
Normally this isn't a problem for me. Sometimes I wait even longer. This time, though, my feet were hurting and somehow it made it impossible to filter anything else.
In the line it's always crowded with a lot if noise. Without being able to filter it (the show began, so I had to take a break, I'm now writing on. It's the next day) I instantly overloaded. Everything suddenly seemed louder and I was starting to get dizzy.
I decided to sit on the ground, even though it actually isn't allowed (I was feeling like I would faint, so I had to) and drank some water.
After a few minutes I was starting to feel better and the doors to the show opened.
Last night a friend of mine, who followed a course performing massages, gave me a full 1 hour massage free of charge. I'm very grateful, thank you! This relieved much of the pain and helped me sleep. (well something else made it more difficult again, but that has nothing to do with this story)
As for now: breakfast time.
Friday, 18 May 2012
Today is the first day of AnimeCon! It's an Anime/Manga convention, which is my Kansas. What do I mean by that? Well I kind of stole the word from Aaron Likens and it's the special place/interest where I feel completely in my element! I'm right at home here!
Why is this called Kansas? Please read my first blogpost to understand that.
I feel like I'm copying Aaron's words here, since he talks about this subject a lot and I feel it the same as he does.
All the way to the convention I didn't feel the excitement yet. I was looking forward to it, but wasn't exactly jumping up and down. Why is this? I don't completely feel excitement for something until it's there. I think (not sure) it's my defense meganism against disappointments, since I can't handle disappointments at all. I was enjoying the drive there though.
Once I entered the convention and saw all the people, excitement got in! Immediately problems were forgotten and I just went to greeting a lot of friends.
Now I'm having dinner at a place around the corner of the convention. My sister had to leave me at some point, because she had a photoshoot planned. That's fine, I'm used to this.
Now, though, the effects of Kansas are wearing off as I'm terribly aware that I'm sitting alone. This is why I resorted to writing this blogpost on my mobile phone.
Within a few minutes I'll be done and I'll be walking straight back into Kansas!
Wednesday, 16 May 2012
- Factual knowledge
- Logical thinking
- Great sense of detail
- Very honest
- Live in the moment
- Very hard worker
- Very punctual