Monday, 28 May 2012

Not necessary

Lately I have noticed something. After writing about some of my struggles, some people have started to get a bit overprotective of me. I’m not talking about some specific people, so please don’t start asking ‘were you talking about me?’ or ‘were you talking about my comment?’ because I’m talking about both online and offline.

Don’t worry, I’m not angry at all. I can see that this is all out of good intention and I’m grateful that I have such caring people around me. The thing is though: It isn’t necessary. I’ve struggled with these things all my life and I’m still okay, so I will be in the future too. I’m not the one to suffer in silence. I’ll speak up when I need help and if I can’t, I’ll probably be in so much trouble you’ll be able to read it from my face. If I don’t speak up, it wasn’t necessary.
Besides that, I have a caring family and plenty of friends. I’m getting support when I need it.
My sister just said ‘If I don’t care, other’s shouldn’t either.’ What does she mean by that? She’s family and knows me best. If you’re ever near me and my sister and you’re worried over me and my sister isn’t, then you probably don’t need to be worried.

I never intended to write my blog to gain attention for my problems. These problems have gotten enough attention after I got chronically fatigued. Yes, I would’ve loved more attention before my diagnosis, but that attention is there now. I write my blog, so people can understand what a person with Asperger’s (and Chronic Fatigue) go through every day, so that they can understand other people who have it too. A person with Asperger’s and Chronic Fatigue go through both happy and sad times, just like we all do, and both times need to be understood. When a person with (one of) these diagnosis’s is in your life and has a hard time explaining his or herself, I hope this blog will help.

So please don’t get over caring. What is over caring? When I’m terribly tired, offering to make me a sandwich? Nope, that’s nice. Please do. I’m talking about when I just for a second cringe from a passing sound or something like that and you’re immediately going ‘are you okay?!’ or something like that. Yes, the sound bothered me, but it passed quickly. I’ll be fine. Or when I’m carrying something and you’re asking ‘Isn’t it too heavy?’ ‘No.’ ‘Should I carry it?’ ‘No, I just said it’s okay.’ ‘I just don’t want you to get tired!’
Even though I’m Chronically Fatigued, if I say I can still go on, then it’s my responsibility. Offering to help is okay, but if I decline, stop asking.

When I read this back, I feel I do sound a bit angry, so let me say this again: I’m not angry. Actually, thank you for caring so much. I AM actually touched by all the nice people around me. I just want to say it’s not necessary, not that I don’t care or don’t appreciate it.

So in short: Asking if I need help? Nice of you, thank you! Keeping asking after I declined, and/or asking for every little thing? Unnecessary. Still, thank you for caring.


  1. Don't worry about me in that case. If someone says no, then no it is. I am not the one to pester someone. So please just say no and I will try and keep it at that (which I usually do).

    The thing is I can't just help myself giving unsolicited advise it is just my nature.

    Just as long as you know I am approachable if you think you need it. Since I just read you might have trouble with random "advise" and opinions. I will keep them to myself (or at least try too).

    My replies will probably sound a bit hollow though.

  2. Whoa whoa whoa. I didn't state anywhere that I didn't like advice and/or opinions. You can give all the advice and opinions you want.
    In fact, please do so. I like a little conversation in my comments, as long as it stays respectful (but you've always been respectful, so I don't expect anything less).

    I was talking in my blogpost about solving too many things for me that I don't need solving. For example, one time an ambulance drove by and I, as I usually do when that happens, cringed from the sound. After processing it (in like, 3 seconds), I was ready to walk on. The person I was walking with, however, asked me if I was okay and if I needed to rest.
    This isn't necessary. If I needed to rest after a few seconds of noise, I wouldn't be able to walk in the city ever.
    Also, asking me if I need help with something, like carrying heavy stuff, is fine. Offering help is a nice thing. The only thing I don't like in this case, is when I decline the help and that person still keeps on asking. No means no.

    So no, I'm not talking about advise and opinions. I'm talking about wanting to do too much for me. I'm not paralysed, I can do stuff on my own. Also, I can speak for myself, as in I can ask for help when necessary. I'm only writing for people who can't speak for themselves, so that people can understand them.
    There have been times that I got paralysed in a situation, but that's why I have my phone with me at all times. I know who to call when I really need to and who will understand me at such times.

  3. Hmm ok so I was right in being a bit confused with myself:P.
    That is good to know.

    What you say makes sense. I am a bit surprising that some people are really like how you describe them, although it doesn't not surprise me that much (since there are a whole lot of different people). That said I am going to bed now:P

  4. Well what I have noticed in the past and it took me a bit to get used to I have to admit, was that if you needed help you are one of the few people who knows EXACTLY when and where to ask for help...well ok not exactly but....still you know it very well... sometimes I still go like hey I should ask if she is ok...then I realise no...if she is not ok she will let me know. Then after a few minutes you do tell me since its what we are talking about...or its less then what I feared.

    It helped me allot in trying to realise when I should ask if you are ok and when not to...hell it helped me realise when I should go " might be smart to say are you ok?" so yea its hard for some because they dont even know when to worry for them selfs even.