Wednesday, 30 May 2012

A burden

At the moment I'm in bed and I'm having a sad moment. These moments happen sometimes. I tend to worry about things in bed. Sometimes it gets so bad, there's such a hurricane in my head, that I just end up crying a lot in my bed. This is also terrible for my sleep and that's where my Chronic Fatigue comes to say 'hi'. Gosh, I hope work will be alright tomorrow... That's why I'm writing this off my mind.

So, what's it that I'm worrying about this time? It's something I worry about more often. I sometimes feel like a burden with all the special needs that I have. With that I don't mean that people would just be better off without me. I'm not that dark in my mindset. I used to be, but not anymore. No, I do believe I can be a nice, decent and fun person to be around.

Still... when I see someone struggling with my special needs, it breaks my heart. (mind you're going too fast, I'm trying to write in a neat order here, shush) Like when people carry something heavy for me, or we need to leave a place because the music is too loud, or stuff like that. Even at work I have to tell my colleagues to tune the radio down sometimes. And there are many more things, both big and small. Like when I'm really angry, there's a special way you'll need to deal with me, or I might explode. Yea, I'm not proud of that... That might just become a blogpost on itself one day, once I feel more comfortable writing about that.

People have stated that I can be very exhausting to live with and I can understand that. They don't mean they dislike being with me, but the special needs can take their toll. Sometimes I'm with people who don't tend to those needs and then suddenly I realise how much is done for me. One day my mother even cried from pure exhaustion during a very difficult time for me (and evidently also for her).

It's these times that I feel like a burden to people. I dislike this feeling up to the point of self-hatred during this time of worrying. I know people don't mind taking care of me. Having a few needs is okay. I even tell my friends who have special needs too this and I mean it. It's just that I feel that, especially combined with my Chronic Fatigue, that I can sometimes really take a toll on someone.

I'm sorry for these times. I wish I could take my Chronic Fatigue away. I wish I didn't need so much support. I'm truly sorry.


  1. Hoi, ik lees je verhaal en ik weet ook niet wat ik moet zeggen, dat verwacht je waarschijnlijk ook niet. Maar ik ben wel onder de indruk, de manier waarop je deze dingen beschrijft, ik heb daar veel respect voor!


    1. Nee, ik verwacht inderdaad niet dat iemand met het perfecte antwoord komt. Bedankt voor het compliment. :)

  2. Sja..
    Wat kan ik hierop zeggen?
    Ik herken die gevoelens wel.
    Zeker van toen ik een jaar of 20 was, daarna ook nog wel.

    Toch zijn er mensen zat die mij accepteren zoals ik ben, mij prima vinden zoals ik ben.
    Het okey vinden om met mij om te gaan.
    Gemakkelijk in de omgang ed ben ik niet, maar zo ben ik nu eenmaal.
    Zij hebben dat geaccepteerd en ik inmiddels ook.
    Voelt best goed :)

  3. I had to comment on this one because to never had to be a burden...I never really felt like I had to get used to you...since we REALLY started talking through msn and that made it a little bit diffrent ofc.

    But because of all that might have been exactly the told me what you prefer and dont prefer and that kinda made me adapt to it before I even realised it.

    The thing is everybody has something either mentally or physically what other people have to get used your case its allot of diffrent things and that is what kinda is hurting you and I understand that....But I wanted to let you know....I dont helped me...and vica versa....its a give and take thing.

    You took care of big part of my insecurity and I helped you with allot as even if it is diffrent then when I am with most of my friends....I dont give a shit...I just dont mind it feels natural by now. And I am happy it is like that....since without the way we work together....I would not have been where I was now.

    1. That is so... Thank you Alborz, those are the sweetest words I've heard in a long time. Partners forever. :) (for people who don't know us: no, not love partners, just partners)