Today I have done a lot of thinking. One of the things I’ve been thinking about a lot is why I need so much validation. Validation? Yes, validation. I have a hard time figuring out what someone thinks of me. This isn’t always bad. For example, when I don’t think much about a person, then why would I bother what they think about me? Previous (boy)friends have wondered why I need this validation. I’ve even been accused of not trusting those around me, because I’m so scared of losing them.
That’s just partially true in my opinion. I truly am sorry if you’re reading this and I’ve ever made you feel like I don’t trust you. Actually, the moment I care enough to want validation, I trust you SO much, I’ve gotten scared of being proven wrong in that I can trust you, which hurts a lot. So it’s not you specifically that I don’t trust, it’s more that I don’t trust my own judgement. I’ve been hurt a lot in the past. Best friends and even boyfriends who suddenly turned against me. Some even lied about almost their whole life. So even when it’s obvious you care about me and I do believe you, I’m still scared and it really isn’t because of you. It’s all me. I don’t trust myself.
Now, there’s more to this. Because the above is only fitting when I already know how you feel about me, but just need validation. But how do I find out how you feel about me? Well of course there are signals I pick up. But sometimes I mistake a simple and nice act for an act of friendship for example. Or the other way around, someone tries to establish a friendship and I mistake it for just a nice person and nothing more than that. There’s almost always a point where I just drive myself mad and have to resort to the only sure thing: Ask. Are we friends?
This creates the most awkward situations for me. Some have even asked me why I need it defined in the first place. Why we can’t simply have fun, without worrying about it. Today I faced a similar situation. I wasn’t specifically asked why, but the conversation has still led me to think about it again. I searched my thoughts. Which thoughts led me to ask in the first place? My answer laid there.
I ask, because there’s certainty in there. When you’re just acquaintances, there’s so much more formality (shaking hands, keeping up with personal life less, etc.), while when you’re friends, you’re way more familiar (hugging to say hello in my friends circle, otherwise enthusiastically greeting, asking about their personal lives, maybe even send a birthday card). I’ve gone wrong within here more often. Me being very enthusiastic, while the other person looks at me like ‘what has gotten into you? I just wanted to say hello, that’s all.’ Or me being very formal, upsetting the other person who was under the impression we were friends, because I misread signals.
I like knowing where I’m at. Don’t worry, I don’t feel compelled to be someone’s friend, when the other person wants us to be. But even then, it’s nice to know what the other person’s intentions are. Then I can also make my intentions clear.
This, I guess, is the life when you have a hard time reading someone’s signals. You’ve got to say it with words. This hurts a lot of people, since a lot of people feel you should sense such a thing and not define it, but please understand that this is simply my way of dealing with that. Consider me a deaf person when it comes to body signals. I need sign language in the form of actual words.Again, I’m sorry if I hurt someone with this. It’s not meant to be hurting. It’s meant to make it easier for me to understand friendships and to communicate. I hope this is understandable, since even I don’t understand it for the full 100% yet.