Today I
have done a lot of thinking. One of the things I’ve been thinking about a lot
is why I need so much validation. Validation? Yes, validation. I have a hard
time figuring out what someone thinks of me. This isn’t always bad. For
example, when I don’t think much about a person, then why would I bother what
they think about me? Previous (boy)friends have wondered why I need this
validation. I’ve even been accused of not trusting those around me, because I’m
so scared of losing them.
That’s just
partially true in my opinion. I truly am sorry if you’re reading this and I’ve
ever made you feel like I don’t trust you. Actually, the moment I care enough
to want validation, I trust you SO much, I’ve gotten scared of being proven
wrong in that I can trust you, which hurts a lot. So it’s not you specifically
that I don’t trust, it’s more that I don’t trust my own judgement. I’ve been
hurt a lot in the past. Best friends and even boyfriends who suddenly turned
against me. Some even lied about almost their whole life. So even when it’s
obvious you care about me and I do believe you, I’m still scared and it really
isn’t because of you. It’s all me. I don’t trust myself.
Now, there’s
more to this. Because the above is only fitting when I already know how you
feel about me, but just need validation. But how do I find out how you feel
about me? Well of course there are signals I pick up. But sometimes I mistake a
simple and nice act for an act of friendship for example. Or the other way
around, someone tries to establish a friendship and I mistake it for just a
nice person and nothing more than that. There’s almost always a point where I
just drive myself mad and have to resort to the only sure thing: Ask. Are we
friends?
This
creates the most awkward situations for me. Some have even asked me why I need
it defined in the first place. Why we can’t simply have fun, without worrying
about it. Today I faced a similar situation. I wasn’t specifically asked why,
but the conversation has still led me to think about it again. I searched my
thoughts. Which thoughts led me to ask in the first place? My answer laid
there.
I ask,
because there’s certainty in there. When you’re just acquaintances, there’s so
much more formality (shaking hands, keeping up with personal life less, etc.),
while when you’re friends, you’re way more familiar (hugging to say hello in my
friends circle, otherwise enthusiastically greeting, asking about their
personal lives, maybe even send a birthday card). I’ve gone wrong within here
more often. Me being very enthusiastic, while the other person looks at me like
‘what has gotten into you? I just wanted to say hello, that’s all.’ Or me being
very formal, upsetting the other person who was under the impression we were
friends, because I misread signals.
I like
knowing where I’m at. Don’t worry, I don’t feel compelled to be someone’s
friend, when the other person wants us to be. But even then, it’s nice to know
what the other person’s intentions are. Then I can also make my intentions
clear.
This, I
guess, is the life when you have a hard time reading someone’s signals. You’ve
got to say it with words. This hurts a lot of people, since a lot of people
feel you should sense such a thing and not define it, but please understand
that this is simply my way of dealing with that. Consider me a deaf person when
it comes to body signals. I need sign language in the form of actual words.
Again, I’m sorry if I hurt someone with this. It’s
not meant to be hurting. It’s meant to make it easier for me to understand
friendships and to communicate. I hope this is understandable, since even I don’t
understand it for the full 100% yet.
I personally try to read it from signals, which tells me enough most of the time in face2face communication. In stuff like instant messaging and email I really have a hard time when people aren't using smileys or other ways to transfer their intent.
ReplyDeleteBut unlike you, I don't have the guts to ask. Because what will the other person think? It'll prove that I'm different, that maybe something is seriously wrong with me. And then? That's the point where I either shift to full panic or just procrastinate...
Thumbs up for your courage to ask!
First I am going to reply to this post (before reading Issha's reaction and reacting myself). I sincerely hope you don't mind me reacting since I don't think we met?
DeleteI have the same problems with online communication. The way I deal with it is to simple take almost everything people say as serious and react to it as such. Unless I think I know how those people act online (I probably strike out a lot), but I don't let it bother me. If I am wrong and people still approach me I take it they still want to talk to me and I am going to talk back to them. I don't really like to use smilies, since I just say what I think or feel and I am always serious and sincere (and if I don't want to divulge information I just say that).
As for face to face. Well I have come to the same approach mostly. I don't really care about how people think of me, but I seem to be a reasonable judge of how people are (except how they feel towards me mind you). That is how I survive. I have learned to understand sarcasm and/or to ignore a lot of stuff I am not sure about.
To be honest I just divide people in catogories:
- People I don't know and thus can ignore (or I deem them as irrelevant to me)
- People who are relevant to me (and thus I have to communicate with)
- People who I like to be around
- People who I am impartial/neutral towards. I don't mind them (see category 1)
- People who I do not like to be around (this is something different than a stranger and this is mostly influenced by my first impression of a person)
- People who I vaguely know or have some sort of interest in
That is basically it for me and I don't know if this helps you in any way shape or form.
There is nothing wrong with being different. Everyone is different at some level. Wouldn't the world be a terribly boring place if everyone was the same?
ReplyDeleteAnd having Autism, doesn't mean that something is seriously wrong with you. Autism is simply a different way of thinking and processing. It has its good and its bad sides, as is with any characteristic.
I remember you telling me that you're one of the best employees at your work. Didn't this happen because you were able to hyperfocus on your work? And didn't this happen, because you care about your hobbies so much, that you keep investigating, wanting to know more about the subject?
Also, you have a great sense of justice. This has created a great friend out of you. You would never ever resort to bullying and when you see injustice happening to one of your friends, you're there to protect them.
And there are many more good things that Autism can bring. People have even argued that if Einstein didn't have Asperger's, he wouldn't have been able to focus on his work as much as he did. Without this focus, he wouldn't have had the theories as we know them today.
Please don't think of Autism as there being something wrong with you. Rather think of it as a different way of thinking.
The only reason why you haven't been able to look past the bad stuff, is because you haven't had a lot of guidance yet to deal with the bad stuff. This makes the bad stuff so great, that it's hard to see past it and see the good stuff. Once you've had this guidance, I'm sure things will be easier and you'll suddenly be able to see the benefits too. :)
So now my reply/enforcement of to this. Mind you I have had no previous experience with (you) Patrick so I might be off the mark (for that I apologize I mean no harm). Final disclaimer: I am no doctor or anything, I draw from my life, views experience and (potentially incorrect) data/information I have collected in my life thus far)
DeleteI agree with the description of Autism that it gives you a certain outlook on life, events, daily life and such which is different from the vast majority of the people. I see this as a potentially good thing, but not bad by any means.
It makes you harder to understand for a lot of people, but the advantage is that if you find people who can truly relate to you and vice versa this usually leads to lasting (good) friendships with these people. And I bet that it is relatively difficult for "regular" people to create bond that last a life time.
I find myself having a "peculiar" outlook on life myself when I compare it to people of the general public and other people I came in contact with, but frankly I don't really mind and neither should you (or anyone else).
Your Autism probably helped you with your work judging by Issha's reply and I am also thinking along those lines. It just gives people some sort of personality. I would describe you as a person who: is focussed on his work, enthusiastic, curious and probably eager to learn. Not someone with Autism. You see I listed some traits which in my opinion are positive.
The possible drawbacks are that you are inflexible and difficult to approach for people who do not understand you. The thing is if people hang around you for some time and you explain your personality to them people should be able to approach you and about inflexibility a lot of people are inflexible that is just how most humans are (maybe regarding different subjects but still that is normal in my opinion).
About the Einstein thing I don't like the argument much. I would say that if Einstein wasn't so focussed he wouldn't have done the things he did. That he has Aspergers does not deminish it (nor it should be relevant), but that is just my opinion.
I know some stuff about negativity and such, since I have also had those problems.
My defence strategy now is not to really care about a lot of stuff. It might be a strange and "wrong" approach, but it works for me. I tend to think of stuff as relevant or irrelevant and divide stuff in those categories. Also I have a very high sense of Moral (if I might say so myself). I just treat/judge everyone the same way. Also there are stuff you just don't do, just because it serves no purpose. At least that is how things are in my world.
(My apologies about the wall of text. I will not reply separately since I think I covered everything in these two posts).