He also perfectly described why I had such trouble putting my feelings down into words, as he went through the same here too. I'll quote him, since I just can't put it in any better words myself:
"My mission is to keep positive but life isn't 100% sunny. Even when the weatherman says there's 100% sun and 0% chance rain it can still rain (I know, it happened to us at a race two weeks ago.) Because it isn't always sunny one needs to know what to look for when it rains and I feared that some might get overly sad reading that I was so sad. I mean, I do feel a certain pressure to stay "perfect" so to speak and to always be on my game, but I'm human and on the spectrum. Emotions happen but sometimes they can confuse us and it is in these times that understanding is of the utmost importance."
Having said this, I'll finally start the next part of my blogpost.
My team leader stopped by, quite cheery actually as he usually is (I like this about him, he seems to genuinely love his job), and asked me about me not wanting to do the dishes. I explained him what happened and he simply said he understood. Only difference between him and the rest of my colleagues, is that he actually softened his tone and didn’t end in the “But still, …” sentence. I got the feeling he seriously understood and also understood I would be willing to do the dishes when I’ll be asked again, now I know what I know.
During lunch break I was in a terrible mood, because I felt like my connection with my colleagues got ruined. Towards the end of my lunch break, the colleague with who it all began happened to also take his lunch break. I told him I still didn’t like the way things were handled and we started talking. In the end, not only did we start to understand each other, but he started asking about my Asperger’s and Chronic Fatigue. I felt like he genuinely wanted to understand me and try and help me in the workplace.
Well, now I have the people who matter most in this issue back on good terms. We understand each other. But now it seems like they’re okay now and everyone else isn’t! How did this happen? How did I end up in conflict with everyone except the people involved? This whole thing has left me very upset. The word upset doesn’t even cut it. I was distraught. My world fell apart. I felt like I ruined everything somehow and I just wanted to disappear from the world. No, not in a suicidal way, but just open a hole in time and space and simply disappear in it forever.
I don’t feel right at my workplace anymore and I have no idea how to resolve this. My jobcoach told me to not even try, since there are too many people involved, and I should discuss it with my team leader. He can then think of how to best resolve this. She would also make a stop by next week. I wanted to discuss this with my jobcoach last Friday, but disaster struck again.
Friday morning I woke up and felt terrible. I had nightmares, I felt terribly dizzy, I couldn’t focus on anything and didn’t even want to think about breakfast. I told myself I had done enough damage and should get myself to work. After taking way too long with everything, my whole body felt terrible and I was already about to be late at work. Then my stomach turned upside-down (not literally of course) and I ran to the toilet and… well nothing. And it turned upside-down again and… nothing again. Duh, I didn’t eat and drink yet, I still had to get my breakfast. (like I said, everything just went way too slow, even for my standards. I took 23 minutes (yes I timed it) putting in a pony tail…)
By this time I didn’t even dare to eat or drink anything anymore. I kept puking with nothing coming out. I was sure every bite I’d take, would just end up on the ground. And to be honest? I wasn’t really hungry either, I didn’t even want to think about eating or drinking. Also, I didn’t know how I would work like this. Yes, physically I could’ve dragged myself there, but my sister (who I woke up out of concern) was actually concerned I would faint and I was afraid that if I would eat/drink breakfast and get to work, I’d puke all over the bus and workplace. If I decided not to eat/drink, I was afraid I would faint at the workplace, which wouldn’t work either. With other words: I had to call in sick.
On Monday a mental breakdown, on Wednesday a conflict in the workplace and on Friday my whole body decides to give up just when I decided to solve this whole thing and step up my game.
This isn’t my week. It truly isn’t. Sorry that I’ve been late with this blogpost. I’ve been thinking all week on how to write this blogpost and I just couldn’t come up with it. In the meanwhile, more stuff kept piling up. I don’t even feel like I really grasped my emotions in this blogpost. I just can’t begin to describe how I felt between Wednesday and my talk through phone with my jobcoach on Thursday. It came eerily close to how I felt before I had a huge mental breakdown which took me half a year to recover from. I’m sure my jobcoach and my sister combined saved me from something like that, which would definitely have ruined my chances anywhere.
Thank you jobcoach and sister!
These emotions are actually the sole reason I didn’t know how to write this. If I were to write them as they were happening, this blogpost would’ve been way too dark. I was afraid everyone would start to treat me like some terminal patient. Trying to cheer me up with half happy and half sad looks, just feeling very sorry for me…
Or maybe go the complete other way and get very scared I would go and do something drastic or something like that.
Don’t worry, I’m not a person for things like suicide or cutting myself or stuff like that. Read my blogpost about pain? I wouldn’t even have the heart to do something like that, haha! No, I just feel very deeply and to me, losing my job would be the end of the world on itself (hence the breakdown on Monday when I got scared for that), let alone feeling like I caused it with a misunderstanding. That’d be terrible beyond words.I hope my team leader will be there on Monday. If he is, I’ll ask him if we can have a word. This needs to be solved somehow.