Monday, 11 June 2012

The aftermath

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. England was amazing and took all my attention and after England everything just came crashing down on me.
Did travelling take such a toll? Nah. Actually, I can't wait to go again! The travel back home did bring some anxiety, but that just got me a bit off my game and nervous.

So then why did everything crash down on me? That's what I asked myself at first too. I was restless and depressed and didn't understand why. I couldn't voice this to others either, since I couldn't say more than "I'm restless and depressed for some reason, even though I had an amazing time".

At first I thought it was me missing England, but it didn't feel like the right answer. Last Sunday I went to a concert of a pop choir my mum sings in. After the song "Sweet Goodbyes", which always leaves me crying (I'm terribly sensitive to music), I started to figure out what was wrong.

Remember that I said I felt like the time I transferred from primary school to secondary school? I still feel that way and now I know why. I've had to cope with not knowing if I would be able to finish school and not knowing if I would be able to hold a job since 8th grade (2nd class of secondary school). This has finally caught up with me. I can't stand not knowing. Especially not knowing what to do in case things turn out wrong.

The whole night I've been worrying, hyperventilating and crying over this. This morning I couldn't take it anymore and called for my jobcoach to come over. She did and she had a good talk with me. Of course she can't promise me anything either, but she could explain to me what would happen in case I wouldn't make it. Don't worry, I'll fight for this job, but just in case. I just need to know that I've got a safety net, so I won't fall to the ground if I happen to fall.

She told me the 'what-if-plan'. This got me a lot calmer. I now know that there is a plan. (I don't feel like discussing this plan here yet) Just knowing this calmed me down a lot.

If anyone's wondering: yes I did have an amazing time in England and yes I'll tell you all about it somewhere this week.


  1. Mooi dat je het zo naar je zin hebt gehad in Engeland!

    Verders goed dat je je jobcoach om zekerheid hebt gevraagd, ook voor het geval het met deze baan niet gaat lukken.

    Als het jou rust geeft om dat te weten..
    Heb je dmv vragen toch mooi zelf voor die rust gezorgd :)

    1. Ja precies. Het lost natuurlijk niet alles op, maar ben nu wel een stuk rustiger. :)

  2. have no idea how proud I am of you...this may seem like nothing to some people but to you this is a wall you just broke down...or atleast a piece of it...

    The more you travel the easyer it will get. Or the more ways you find to get through it. The way you talk about this gives people a new insight into the way you think, but it also helps you to understand yourself a bit more.

    It also shows that what you have learned may it seem positive and negative that you are preparing for yourself and in others. This is why I am proud of are not only helping yourself but also others who have problems similar to you.