Sorry I haven't posted in a while. England was amazing and took all my attention and after England everything just came crashing down on me.
Did travelling take such a toll? Nah. Actually, I can't wait to go again! The travel back home did bring some anxiety, but that just got me a bit off my game and nervous.
So then why did everything crash down on me? That's what I asked myself at first too. I was restless and depressed and didn't understand why. I couldn't voice this to others either, since I couldn't say more than "I'm restless and depressed for some reason, even though I had an amazing time".
At first I thought it was me missing England, but it didn't feel like the right answer. Last Sunday I went to a concert of a pop choir my mum sings in. After the song "Sweet Goodbyes", which always leaves me crying (I'm terribly sensitive to music), I started to figure out what was wrong.
Remember that I said I felt like the time I transferred from primary school to secondary school? I still feel that way and now I know why. I've had to cope with not knowing if I would be able to finish school and not knowing if I would be able to hold a job since 8th grade (2nd class of secondary school). This has finally caught up with me. I can't stand not knowing. Especially not knowing what to do in case things turn out wrong.
The whole night I've been worrying, hyperventilating and crying over this. This morning I couldn't take it anymore and called for my jobcoach to come over. She did and she had a good talk with me. Of course she can't promise me anything either, but she could explain to me what would happen in case I wouldn't make it. Don't worry, I'll fight for this job, but just in case. I just need to know that I've got a safety net, so I won't fall to the ground if I happen to fall.
She told me the 'what-if-plan'. This got me a lot calmer. I now know that there is a plan. (I don't feel like discussing this plan here yet) Just knowing this calmed me down a lot.
If anyone's wondering: yes I did have an amazing time in England and yes I'll tell you all about it somewhere this week.