Sunday, 3 June 2012

England - 2

A little update... Distracting myself didn't work and I'm having a little breakdown now. Why? No idea. I'm not even thinking that much about everything that's going to happen. This is very similar to when I first switched schools (from primary school to secondary school). This was the first time I ever had a breakdown like this.

I hated primary school. I was bullied very severely there and I couldn't wait to get out of there. In fact, I hated it so much, I was counting down the days until I was away from there. Quite literally too. I had a small paper on which I kept track of the days left. Still, when the last day of primary school ended, I suddenly started crying. Everyone thought I ended up missing the school, even after saying I wanted to get out of there, but I didn't. I couldn't explain why I was crying. I was happy leaving there! Then why was I sad? Remember, I wasn't diagnosed back in those days. This was a very confusing time for me.

I'm having a similar experience now. I really want to go to England and I can't wait. Still, I'm sad. I'm here, crying, and I haven't got a clue what about. I'm not worrying about things. In fact, my mind is quite blank. I was simply surfing the internet as I said I would. Then suddenly I just started crying. It feels like it isn't even my own emotion, like it just shouldn't be there. I'm happy going to England and I'm not worrying, I'm enjoying some internet time! Then why am I crying? I really can't answer that with anything more than 'change'. It's only a big change with big impacts which can get me to this unexplainable crying.

Don't worry. I'm fine. I want to go to England. I want to step in that plane. I want to do this! My crying isn't some feeling of actually being too scared and not wanting to go or anything. Of course I'm very anxious, I already told you this, but that's not it. I was anxious of the Efteling too and that didn't cause as much trouble as this does. I have no logical explanation for this. This is Autism at its highest in my opinion. I can't explain this in any other way than 'there is change and I have trouble with change, even if it's good change'.


  1. A little update in a comment, since I don't want to fill my blog with every little emotion swing: I'm fine again. I don't get my own emotions at the moment. If there is some psychologist reading this who can make something out of this, please tell me, because I'm at a loss. A small cry without really being sad or worried over something, then being okay again... Seriously, explain me please.

    If this keeps being like when I changed schools, I might have some more of these little breakdowns. We'll see. (Yea even I can't predict it, since I don't understand this)

  2. I think it's just because you're nervous (it could be good nerves. They don't have to be bad) and we are going to do something we never done before and it's even abroad. It's something new you're not familiar with and I think that can explain the crying. If you think about it, the same happened when you went from primary school to secondary school. Something new and unfamiliar was happening and probably you were nervous about it. Sometimes that can lead to crying ;) And then I think your brain just accept the situation and calms you down or something. That's the only part I can't explain xD Or maybe you're just weird in a good way xD Lol lol lol

  3. Heey,
    Ik vind het niet zo vreemd hoor.
    Ik denk dat je gewoon nerveus bent, het ook niet goed overziet allemaal enz.
    Dat geeft spanning en spanning kan op allerlei manieren naar buiten komen.

    Het gaat vast een leuke week worden.
    Veel plezier jullie saamjes in Engeland!