A little update... Distracting myself didn't work and I'm having a little breakdown now. Why? No idea. I'm not even thinking that much about everything that's going to happen. This is very similar to when I first switched schools (from primary school to secondary school). This was the first time I ever had a breakdown like this.
I hated primary school. I was bullied very severely there and I couldn't wait to get out of there. In fact, I hated it so much, I was counting down the days until I was away from there. Quite literally too. I had a small paper on which I kept track of the days left. Still, when the last day of primary school ended, I suddenly started crying. Everyone thought I ended up missing the school, even after saying I wanted to get out of there, but I didn't. I couldn't explain why I was crying. I was happy leaving there! Then why was I sad? Remember, I wasn't diagnosed back in those days. This was a very confusing time for me.
I'm having a similar experience now. I really want to go to England and I can't wait. Still, I'm sad. I'm here, crying, and I haven't got a clue what about. I'm not worrying about things. In fact, my mind is quite blank. I was simply surfing the internet as I said I would. Then suddenly I just started crying. It feels like it isn't even my own emotion, like it just shouldn't be there. I'm happy going to England and I'm not worrying, I'm enjoying some internet time! Then why am I crying? I really can't answer that with anything more than 'change'. It's only a big change with big impacts which can get me to this unexplainable crying.
Don't worry. I'm fine. I want to go to England. I want to step in that plane. I want to do this! My crying isn't some feeling of actually being too scared and not wanting to go or anything. Of course I'm very anxious, I already told you this, but that's not it. I was anxious of the Efteling too and that didn't cause as much trouble as this does. I have no logical explanation for this. This is Autism at its highest in my opinion. I can't explain this in any other way than 'there is change and I have trouble with change, even if it's good change'.