Sunday, 2 February 2014

The other side of it

While things seem to look up a bit in terms of getting help and being an experience expert on autism and things like that, that doesn't mean that I'm suddenly all better. It would be amazing if the world worked like that, but sadly it doesn't.

Right now I'm feeling that all too much. While I'm really happy with everything that's going on, I'm also doing new stuff. Remember: For most people with autism, and for me too, new = scary. Sometimes people try to protect me from 'new' because of that, but that's not what I want. With autism it doesn't matter whether you like this new thing or not. If new is scary to you, then it's also scary when it's something you want.
Also, there's the uncertainty of it all. Will I be able to get the funding for the guidance that I need? And if I will, will I be allowed to keep it, seeing the way the economy crisis is developing? What will my future look like?

So yes, a lot of good things are happening. At the same time I have moments where I start to panic. These moments keep me out of my sleep. Sleep deprivation makes my day harder, as I already have so little energy. Still trying to get through the days with less energy, makes for more days where I cross my limits and feel awful. Pain in my muscles and joints, dizziness, oversensitivity... Oh yea! Oversensitivity. With autism. Greeeeaaattt combination. Not really. So all of this makes me even more sensitive and more likely to panic, causing for the whole circle to start again. Not even mentioning my asthma yet, which is also a big fan of my panic attack parties. So my asthma attends the panic party uninvited. The party crasher makes the, already terrible party, even worse and then it's a big disaster.

Of course the answer is simple: Take some extra time to rest to break the circle! Yes, that is the answer indeed. But this also means that my, already broken, biorhythm, is now completely shattered, as my body is confused as to which time is the appropriate time to rest. My body now seems to think that any time is a good time to rest, making me asleep or awake at the strangest times. This is very hard when I have an appointment.

Don't worry, I'll be fine. I've been through this more often. Like when I was trying to get government profit. I've always been able to get through it, so I'll be able to do that again. I'm just writing this down to show the other side of it all. I'm trying to show that just because things can go really well sometimes for someone, that a disability doesn't just conveniently go away for a little while, so that you can enjoy it to your fullest. That's just the way it is.

To end on a lighter note: I've been asked for a few more presentations, so I'm looking forward to that!

1 comment:

  1. Pfff...
    Dat is inderdaad slopend, al die onzekerheden.
    Niet om blij van te worden.

    Leuk dat je nog een paar presentaties mag geven! :)