Monday, 7 March 2016

Asking more than I can give

There is one thing that has always hurt me a lot about my disabilities. That thing is that I will always have to ask more from the people around me than that I can give back, even when I try my hardest.

When I'm ill, I need a lot of support, because my body can't handle it very well. My autism makes me sensitive to pain and makes it hard to regulate time schedules for medicine, know when to find professional help and when not to, makes it hard to go to appointments by myself, and many more problems. A snotty nose or the flu may lead to breathing problems, which may lead to asthma attacks. All the bodily and psychological stress from all of the above may cause my crohn's disease to act up, both this and asthma needing me to find help urgently, for which I refer you back to my list of problems autism cause.

All of the above can also cause me to not being able to get up, or even faint, meaning that I need someone to get me food, drinks, help me get to the toilet, or even catch me.

When someone else gets ill, I will most certainly be prepared to return the favor. I'll be there! But with very limited energy. I will need to rest way quicker than anyone else to avoid getting sick too. Need something at that point? Can't do it, or I'll be of even less use to you due to the consequences of overstepping my limits.
Oh, yelling in pain? Erm, yea, I'm now frozen in place until there's a moment of relief, because of my hearing sensitivity. Need me to get in contact with the doctor? I certainly will. I just hope there won't be some social misunderstanding. Need me to keep track of your pills, doctor conversations, etc. while you're still overloading my system with yelling? Erm... How?

And this is just about getting ill.
How about the fact that I have emotion regulating difficulties, so I need to scream to let my emotions out sometimes, but when other people scream I get overloaded, so I need to leave the room instead of holding their hand?

Or how I can't keep track of routine, so others, or electronic devices, need to keep me on schedule, but I can't return the favor, because if I can't do it for myself, then how do I do it for others?

These are just a few examples of other people going overboard to accomodate my needs, where I can't give the same amount back.
Sure, I try really hard, and I don't think I have less value or something like that. I also know it's not my fault and that there's a reason I have those needs.
But I AM constantly aware of having special needs that I can't offer back.

Every once in a while this gets to me. Then I want to do something equal to what they're doing for me. I'm at a loss for what to do though.
So all I can do is say 'thank you' from the bottom of my heart and remember those people are still there for a reason; I must be giving enough when I give all I can.

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