Mixed feelings

My head is all messed up at the moment. I feel extremely happy and extremely sad at the same time. I keep having panick attacks and when I get too tired from the panick attacks, my head simply shuts down from all the sadness to protect myself and concentrates only on good things. I mean, up to the point where I can’t get anything productive done anymore. In other words, I’m a mess.

On the one hand some things are going quite well. Spending more time with my best friend has been very good for me. Also, I’ve been to my ex his birthday party today, which was the first time since the break-up that I’ve been at his home today. I was quite nervous for this, but everything turned out to be a lot of fun and we can still happily go back to being friends. This has relieved me a lot. Some more nice things happened in the social department. Also, I love putting events together which I’ve put a lot of time in last week.

On the other hand a lot of things seem to fall apart too. Having too much drama within these events is starting to eat away from me, as I’m very fragile already at the moment. Every event has drama, but where I’m at in my life right now, it’s hurting me more than usually. It’s actually keeping me from enjoying what I love doing most. I hate this, as without events I feel like I’m nothing, as events is what kept me going. (By the way, if anyone goes ‘I know what event you’re talking about!’ then my answer is; no you don’t. It’s not just about one event and there are also things going on that aren’t out in the open because they haven’t been properly discussed yet.)

At the same time the whole Fatigue Centre thing is eating away from me too, as I’m still waiting for the intake.

Being without a job, and with that a routine and confidence, also hasn’t done me any good. Besides that, I still didn’t get back all my energy from being unwell either, which makes all this harder to deal with too.

By the way the discussions at my previous job went and how I’m dealing with these events, I’m scared I panic just too fast to do what I want in life. I can handle constructive critique, that’s not it. In fact, that helps me to work better. But I’d really like for something to just work out without things escalating up to the point where everyone’s upset. Maybe it’s my doing, maybe it’s not. I don’t know. But I could really use a project where something doesn’t turn out all drama.

But people keep telling me that this is normal for the business world. Then maybe I’m not cut out for the business world? Maybe I’m wrong and I really can’t handle critique as well as I’d like to. I don’t know. I’m actually typing this while panicking, which I always advise other people against, so it’s probably one big confusing text.

I’m sorry, I really needed to write this down, because I don’t know what else to do with this. If you read back, you’ll see that the only thing that’s really going well for me is meeting a few friends. Or at least, the only things that I can see going well while in this panicky state. Maybe I’m missing things, I don’t know. My point is that right now that’s all I can see and besides that I can only see everything around me falling down.

I’m sorry that my posts are being really sad lately, but that’s how I feel. I don’t want this blog to turn into a ‘pity me!’ blog, that’s not my intention. I just want to write about my life and how my Autism and Chronic Fatigue influence that. It just so happens that quickly after starting this blog, I lost my job and these things happened and I needed to find a new path again. A new path is scary for me. It usually means a lot of insecurity about everything and needing to drop certain things in my life. This scares me to no end and makes for these big emotion swings. Right now I have no idea what to do with this. All I know is that I don’t know anything. My life is one big question mark where people seem to expect me to have the answers. I don’t. I just have this question mark. You can have that question mark, I don’t want it, but I don’t have any answers for you.