What has been...

For a lot of things this counts for me: What has been will always be until proven otherwise.

At my previous job I often asked if I didn’t cost them more time with guiding, counselling and thinking of jobs for me to do, than that I was giving back to them. They always told me not to worry about it. They said I just started my job and will take a few months to fully understand my job and that that’s okay. I was worried, but even my boss said he was confident that I just needed some time and I’d be okay.

At some point my trial period of two months was almost over and they called for an evaluation interview. I was okay with that, because I was doing fine right? I just needed some time right? My jobcoach arrived to support me and we were about to start, when they asked if they could talk to my jobcoach separately. This is where I got nervous. Why would that be necessary right before an evaluation interview? My concerns were spot on. Once they returned, the evaluation interview had turned into a conversation where they told me they were firing me, because I cost them more time thinking up jobs for me, than I was taking from them. Needless to say; I was pretty upset.

Lately, like I’ve told in my blog, I haven’t been feeling well. I’ve been absent from work because of it for three days. In fact, not feeling well is an understatement. The reason I was absent, was because the whole world was spinning and I could hardly walk! Remember the picture I put with my blogpost telling this? That was truly how I was laying in bed that time, I didn’t just feel a little bit off, I was ill.

Now at work they stated that I had to work on being absent a lot, since three times in five weeks is too much. I told them I didn’t get that. How can I work on that? It wasn’t that I was just too exhausted, I was ill! Do I have to create a force field against viruses or something? This got me very puzzled, which I also stated towards them. My jobcoach said she explained already that she did think I have been absent for a good reason, but she still thinks I should work on being ill a lot. Mixed signals much? I started stating again that I didn’t get how I could work on that and she said I didn’t need to defend myself, that she understood. I’m still confused. They understand that I was absent for a good reason, but I should still work on it? How?!

She spoke with my team leader and I wasn’t allowed to listen in. After that they stated they were planning an evaluation interview. I honestly pointed out that I didn’t exactly have a good experience with this kind of situation. My jobcoach simply said: “Don’t worry, you still got two more months of trial period.” I told her that wasn’t exactly the comforting answer I was looking for. I’d like to stay there after those two months too and this conversation didn’t comfort me at all. I asked her what they expected from me. She simply stated I could ask my team leader that during the evaluation interview.

Now my whole system is shaken up. Everything is telling me I’m in trouble. This is going too similar like my last job. I’m trying to tell myself I’m doing a great job and that I indeed had a good reason for being absent and that they are positive about all the rest that I do. But… This is what they said at my last job too. This didn’t mean anything there. Because of this, I don’t even find comfort in knowing I’m doing my job well. The only thing I can think about is the little things I did wrong and that those are all reasons for firing me in another two months or something. Because of this experience at my previous job, positive thinking seems to even only make it worse, because then I’m stuck thinking about how unfair it is that even when I’m trying so hard, it still doesn’t guarantee anything! That no matter how hard I try, I still might not make it.

At school they tell you to get good grades and you’ll get a good job. Not if you’re Chronicly Fatigued. Then you can be the best at school and loose every job you get for not feeling well all the time. It’s not fair. It’s simply not fair… Here I go again. This is how my brain works at this moment. Being great at something has meant nothing so far. Who says that it’ll mean something now? What has been will always be until proven otherwise.