Recently I've gone to the training that
I've spoken about. It was a training of two long (7 hours. That was way too
much for me!) days, about how to best put your experience in your field to good
use. I've learned some nice things in this training, that certainly helped me
grow in my volunteering work.
On the other hand I've had a lot of
struggles with this training. First of all, like I already stated, the days
were too long. I couldn't cope with that, because of my chronic fatigue. This
also made it even harder than usual to get along in the group. The trainers
chose to go for a very loose training style, where everyone could chip in with
their own ideas. When I asked for how long we got and how much they really
wanted to know about my experiences, they said: "Anything you contribute
is fine."
I tried explaining to them why I can't
handle not having some clear perimeters, and if they didn't set out those
perimeters, that I'd just interrupt them at any time and not know when to stop
talking, which would be very annoying for them, and cost a lot of energy for
me.
They kept saying: "Don't worry.
Anything you contribute is fine."
I took those words to heart, so when they
asked what we thought could be some tasks for an experience expert, I asked
"Oh well, I've already done some things as an experience expert and I've
done some research, so is it ok if I chip in here?" They said "By all
means!" so I told them about some tasks that I knew about. Until I got
interrupted by someone saying "Sorry, but... Could you please let someone
else talk for once?"
I'm okay with someone telling me that I'm
talking too much, since I know that I have difficulties finding the boundaries.
What I dislike is someone telling me over and over again that anything I contribute
is fine, even after I explained what the consequences could be, and THEN not
just being pointed out in a nice way that I talk to much, but actually asking
me if I could let someone else talk for once. That almost seems like I'm being
rude and doing it on purpose to me! This truly hurt my feelings. I felt like I
was as clear as I could be about my disability and the need for perimeters, and
it still wasn't good enough. The rest of the day I hardly dared to say
anything, out of fear of saying too much again. All I was doing was putting all
my energy in navigating the unspoken social cues, making me miss a lot of what
the training was actually about.
At the end of the training everyone walked
away and I ended up in tears. I was absolutely exhausted, felt alienated and
felt like I wasted my time and precious energy.
The person who was sitting next to me
during the training also had Asperger's and understood what was going on. She
stuck around to comfort me. The two people leading the training came up to me
to talk to me.
I told them what had gotten me into tears.
They said they understood and that when things would get too much to me next
time, I could just leave the room. This didn't have the effect they hoped it
would have. I didn't feel understood at all! I simply needed a teaching style
with a clearer direction and clearer questions, so that I would know what was
expected from me. Also, I wasn't the only one with this problem, just the only
one with such a strong reaction, so the change wouldn't just be for me. In
fact, there were just two people for who this loose teaching style really
worked.
Rather than having someone walk away when
the teaching style isn't fitting, especially when that person isn't the only
one with that problem, please find a way that that person can join the group
too! Of course, this isn't possible for everyone, in every situation, but I'm
just asking for some more clarity, and it's not for just me. That's not a lot,
is it? Also, we had a small classroom of about twelve people (I'm guessing
here, I didn't count), so there's room for a bit more personalised teaching
style.
But because there were no clear perimeters,
I kept being busy with trying to navigate the social cues. This took all my
energy, but it was also very clear to the group that I couldn't cope. In fact,
because I was talking so much, I came across as arrogant, instead of helping.
But when someone tells me everything I contribute is fine, and they want an
answer to something I feel like I have an answer to, I don't feel arrogant when
I answer. I feel like I'm helping. Isn't it bad of me to not answer when they
want people to contribute? Aren't I helping by sharing my knowledge? I'd like
the rest of the room to do the same! I can learn a lot from them too! But they don't
seem to see those good intentions. They just don't want to put up boundaries,
but want me to know... telepathically I guess... when and how to answer. If I
don't, I'm arrogant (saying too much) or distant (not saying enough).
I told the trainers this, but they had a
hard time seeing how, giving me time to walk away from the classroom, wasn't
inclusion. Even when I told them that would mean I would be gone most of the
time, not bonding with the group and missing a lot of information. They said I
could just ask the group later what I missed.
The person with Asperger's, who was sitting
next to me, came to my defence at this point. She told them she agreed with me
that this wasn't inclusion and how much something like this can hurt a person.
The trainers said they would try to change
some things and "I guess I'll better my life?"
Now, I have to say... They did make some
changes the next day of training. They had a clear program and adopted a more
clear style of asking questions. This helped a lot and I thanked them for it.
They were happy about it, although one of them still had to make clear to me
how difficult it was for her to do that...
Why did I write about this? Did I want to
make you angry at the trainers? No, not at all. The trainers honestly didn't
know what they were doing and that's why there are experience experts.
I'm writing about this, because this is
just one example of why socialising in a group can go very wrong for a person
with autism sometimes. This especially tends to happen in classrooms, where
people with autism have to try to navigate unspoken social cues. Because these
unspoken social cues are very unclear, the person with autism might have an
unfitting response. This easily gets misinterpreted, isolating this person from
the group. If this is being spoken about and there's an unwillingness to put in
a little bit of effort, or the person is even being told to 'just walk away',
then the isolation just gets bigger and the misunderstandings have not been
solved. This, sometimes, can even lead to anger and bullying.
A little bit of understanding, and better
yet, practical help, can often prevent a lot and make life a lot easier.
